Know thyself Γνῶθι σεαυτόν
Sour Cherry Varenyky
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber. It’s only $30 a year. That’s like one shitty cookbook! Upon becoming a paid subscriber you will receive a copy of my Burnt Basque Cheesecake Cookbook Zine!
I have no idea how to start this particular newsletter. What does one say after being gone for months? Since I don’t know where to start, let me tell you about my new relationship with my body, my thoughts on rest, and how I escaped the grips of debilitating tension.
After 3 months of doing physical therapy three times a week, I finally feel physically better. My migraines have subsided and their severity decreased exponentially. The left side of my body doesn’t go numb (as frequently). And my chronic neck pain has reduced, especially during periods when I have to sit at my desk (and there’s a lot of that in my life) to write, do research, or work my 9 to 5 college publishing job.
Even my posture has improved. I have been focusing on building both strength and working on mobility in my neck and scapula. My daily chronic pain has also decreased.
I was able to release a lot of tension in my face, jaw, and neck primarily with the help of massage therapy. We started every session with massage therapy.
The strangest and most unexpected part of massage therapy was fully experiencing being truly tired. Tired to the point where I was barely able to walk, sit, keep my eyes open, or lift any of my limbs. THAT’S HOW TIRED I ACTUALLY WAS THIS ENTIRE TIME.
The thing that kept me going wasn’t energy, it was tension, lots and lots of tension. The tension held me back from feeling truly exhausted but once I allowed my body to release a lot of that tension, I finally felt uncensored tiredness. To be completely honest, I didn’t realize that it was tension that was preventing me from experiencing how tired I actually felt.
The tension still comes and goes in waves. What is different now is that I am much better at recognizing the role stress plays in all this as well as what it does to my body. I am also more conscious of the connection between increased stress(ors) in my life and the almost immediate rise of tension in my body. My focus now is not only noticing the tension but taking steps to prevent it from taking control of my body.
At the end of all this, I am learning that tension has been my modus operandi for decades. When life gets tough, and it has been for quite some time now, my default state is to push through at all cost. And when things get a little better, the tension doesn’t suddenly go away. Its grip is looser but it’s there waiting for any cue to tense up and take the wheel.
I honestly think the amount of tension in my neck and jaw could have fueled a small spaceship. And the more tired you get the more tension is exerted. To the point where the body and mind have to go completely offline in the form of a migraine, temporary paralysis, and seizures as was the case for me.
Pushing through the pain is something that is drilled into us (especially women) since we are children. Like the phrase all of us are familiar with “No Pain No Gain.” The theme of existence as suffering is something that I personally grew up in a Slavic/Balkan household. Coming to America, it is that same familiar relationship. I don’t think either world can accept that the universe is indifferent to suffering.
Of course, I had to learn this lesson by running on tension to the point of making myself severely ill. It feels like it is truly preprogrammed into the every day, like you have to get to that point of tension to participate. Not just blistering early morning alarms, caffeine in every variety, gig, hustle, grind, my country’s PTO scam, proud displays of lack of sleep and accumulation of injuries and grievances, but the whole damn mythos of being successful or productive or mattering in some way. Disability, whatever that means, becomes a derogatory label because a fish can’t climb a tree.
Don’t get me wrong. If I was stranded on a remote island or lost in a Canadian forest, that tension would have probably been the only thing to save my life. Unfortunately, functioning on tension instead of actual energy is a recipe for severe health issues.
And I know most people don’t think like “LinkedIn lunatics” who espouse frankly psychotic displays of devotion to their, uh, fantasy. We all need that fantasy at least sometimes, whatever that might be.
For me, getting through the day takes a lot of energy already. Even on my good days. As someone who constantly feels like they are preparing for their next performance, interacting with the world and people in it comes with a hefty toll. Now on top of that lets add all the different types of stressors; daily, familial, relational, job, financial, political, environmental, health, etc. By noon, I used to exert 90% of my daily energy. And instead of recognizing that, and hitting the brakes to give myself a chance to recover or restore a little strength, I power through on you guessed it, tension.
You shouldn’t need to be exhausted to take breaks, what you need is an honest relationship with your body and self. In a society where rest is moralized as bad or wasteful, prioritizing it can be incredibly difficult. Whether that’s because of the stories we tell ourselves from internalizing this messaging when we were young or the lack of role models in our life. Being honest with yourself about what you have and don’t have energy for is an important step. Healing your relationship with your body starts with listening to it, and that’s already difficult for some of us. Where even picking up on physical cues for hunger, going to the bathroom, thirst, are even a challenge.
Rest also looks different for all of us. So spend some time reflecting on what exactly rest looks like for you. Maybe it’s massage therapy once a week, or spending time in nature, protecting your sleep hours, etc. Rest is not only something you make time for, rest is also figuring out a way of life that aligns with your ebbs and flows. A life where the amount of energy you exert matches your capacity to give. Creating a restful way of life is just what I think our way of living ought to be. Obviously during times of stress or high-pressure situations that boost of energy we get from tension can still occur, such is life. But we can’t rely on it to function on a daily basis. That way of life will only result in problems.
My mom doesn’t take care of herself. This deeply influenced my relationship with myself resulting in me not taking care of myself, ignoring the needs and wants of my body, that was all I knew. But that’s not who I am.
Did my neck start to hurt towards the end of me writing this newsletter? Yes. Did I power through the pain? No. I stopped typing, got up from my desk, microwaved a heat pad, put it on my shoulders, laid down, and closed my eyes.
It is not surprising that my first newsletter after coming back from medical leave is about my body. After operating on tension for the majority of my life, without taking care of myself and my physical needs, I see now that there’s no sustainable future, not just for me but for anyone who operates on copious amounts of daily tension.
We can’t continue to mine ourselves for endless resources and output. Oftentimes, the best thing to do is to pause and ask yourself what does my body need, how do I really feel, and is there anything I can do to support myself today. I approach the needs of my body with compassion and kindness. I don’t push down and ignore them. I don’t push through the pain and discomfort, unless of course I am in an emergency situation or a medical crisis.
Don’t push yourself and in turn punish (hurt) yourself. Show yourself love and understanding and use every resource you can find to support yourself in this hellish landscape. As women we are often conditioned to be attuned to the needs of others rather than our own. It is about time we broke with this toxic and patriarchal tradition and started to participate in the radical act of rest.
NEWS:
Check out my latest recipe for Serious Eats!
Please let me know if you make it or if you have any questions.
RECIPE FOR SOUR CHERRY VARENYKY PUBLISHED ON SERIOUS EATS
I’m so glad to see that you’re back, and I’m very eager to try the varenyky.
Olga thank you for pushing past the vulnerabilities to share this with us. Many will benefit from reading this.. I was the child that heard "you are too sensitive".. I am 58 and what comes with that sensitivity is deep compassion and still struggling to understand how so many can still look away from so much in this world. I also suffer with neck pain. Stepping back and taking time to recharge is giving yourself the love that you need to shine even brighter! Bless you!