Finding Value in Doing Things For Yourself
and Your Own Fulfillment
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I had to break up with my therapist this week. I will tell you about that some other time.
But I did make a very important discovery in session this week—a life altering one.
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Have you ever wondered, why is it so hard for you to sit down and read a book for example? Not for research, to learn, for work or a school project work, but just for you, to bring you pleasure and joy.
Another good example is journaling.
I personally have asked myself time and time again, why is it so hard for me to journal? Intellectually I know how good journaling is for one’s mind and emotional health but there was always something getting in the way.
Then, finally, it clicked! EUREKA! A revelation.
I struggle with doing things that are inherently for me and my own fulfillment.
I have always struggled with prioritizing, articulating, or even identifying my own needs. I must have picked up this form of self-neglect from my mom but also from being an eldest daughter of Ukrainian-Greek immigrant parents who instilled in me the value of doing things for others; my parents, my little sister, my grandparents, my cousins, my partner, my in-laws, etc. In the long list of priorities, mine are at the bottom.
In Eastern European countries, especially for women, doing things for oneself is often met with criticism and judgement. Whenever I tried to put my needs first, I was judged, shamed, made to feel guilty, and called selfish. I can’t even imagine suggesting wants. This type of messaging reinforced my belief that the needs of others always had to come first. And then it morphed into; I wasn’t supposed to take care of myself or my needs.
The thing that fueled this form of self-neglect is the fact that helping people is actually a central value of mine. Doing things for others has and is an important (almost essential) motivator for me to actually do and get things done.
With baking and cooking, I want to share the final dishes with family, friends, and strangers. Make their day a little better, bring them a little joy, bring them a sense of comfort, and just make them feel an ounce better even if it’s for a couple seconds.
I love sharing recipes, culinary knowledge, things I have learned in the hope that it can improve someone’s quality of life or help preserve culinary cultures.
I value being vulnerable and sharing my lived experience through personal narrative in the hopes that it can help someone else feel less alone or give them something to relate to or even offer a sense of comfort.
There is a downside to being motivated by doing things for others. You forget or never learn how to do things for yourself. Yes, just for you. No other value than to simply show care and love for yourself. If your motivation for getting things done is rooted in providing value to other people's lives, you will keep doing things for others at the expense of your own well being. How do we (sometimes referred to as people pleasers), do things that are inherently for ourselves? We have to start by believing that we are enough; that we are just as deserving of our attention and love as others.
Going back to journaling. The value of journaling is inherently for oneself, and no one else. The value of reading a random nonfiction or fiction book is simply to enjoy the practice of reading. Making art just for your own fulfillment or playing a game of Tetris (remind me to tell you about my newest obsession with Retroid Classic).
It makes even more sense now why I struggle so much with rest. Rest, in that moment, is for me. Now that I have started to prioritize rest, I can start prioritizing activities that are for my own fulfillment be it writing, making art, reading, journaling, being bored, playing video games, or lounging around with my three cats.
Honestly, how was I expecting to be able to do things meant only for myself when my entire life I was chastised and even punished when I tried to do so. I didn’t. I couldn’t. But I want to. And I am learning. And I invite you to do the same thing for yourself.
The first step is self-awareness. Now that I am cognoscente that this is my default setting, I can work on adjusting the settings. I can block off “Olga Time” on my calendar. I can write out a list of self-care activities since these behaviors still feel foreign to me. This list can remind me of all the things I can do to take care of my physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and social health—training wheels as we get started.
The second and hardest step is actually believing and feeling that I am worthy. Believing that doing things for me alone is valuable in itself. Start by constantly reminding yourself that you are enough of a reason to do things for.
Lastly we need to become comfortable with doing things that go nowhere or have no expectations beyond our own fulfillment. Your writing doesn’t need to be published and sold and your hobbies don’t have to be monetized or turned into a business. There is no end goal besides your personal fulfillment.
All of this is connected with our self-worth or maybe it is more accurate to say lack there of. When you have so little self-worth that you can’t even access your own value as a way to get yourself to do things for yourself, it is time to hit the brakes and reassess your relationship with yourself. And you also need to change the scripts that you are running in your head.
You need to believe that you are worthy of good things or your life will become solely about others.
Furthermore, those of us with little self-worth aren’t predisposed to self-love.
We are constantly filling our time with projects often seeking external validation to replace or compensate for how little we love ourselves. No amount of likes or publications is going to magically make you love yourself, those things are the by-product of your labor. These things will help with self-esteem, which relies on external validation and achievements. But it is important to remember that our self-esteem tends to fluctuate with our wins and setbacks. While self-worth is the inherent value we place on ourselves as individuals.
Doing things for your own fulfillment should not be confused with the growing trend of constantly working on improving oneself. You can have personal fitness goals, writing goals, life goals, but here I’m not talking about improving or optimizing oneself or striving for some better version of you. I am not talking about achieving things.
I’m talking about being enough just as you are and where you are and still loving and caring for yourself.
There is a lot of online discourse right now about self-improvement. I think our culture of bettering ourselves with the goal of making ourselves more productive, more attractive, more affluent, has been conflated with caring or making time for ourselves.
What we really need is time to take care of ourselves and comfort ourselves.
We need to just be.
I write about this realization in the hopes that it can help others begin their own journey of self-love. To help others see that they might also have been caught up with doing things for others at the expense of their own needs and wants or as a way to seek external validation as a short-cut to self-worth.
I will never stop wanting to help people. I am on a quest to find balance. To value myself as much as I value others.
NEWS:
Just a reminder that I also have a savory varenyky version on Serious Eats!
RECIPE FOR SAVORY SYR VARENYKY PUBLISHED ON SERIOUS EATS
As always let me know if you have any questions!
I feel seen. Thank you!
Thank you for this article coz this is actually a gem♥️