A Personal Essay: To Move Or Not To Move?

My Grandmother's No Bake Dulce de Leche Wafer Cake Recipe

How do you know when it’s time to move? I spend hours of my waking time contemplating whether or not Austin or more broadly speaking the U.S. is the right place for me. I have been feeling this way for quite some time now. Let me tell you a little bit of how I got here.

I originally came to Austin for graduate school. I was pursuing a PhD in Classical Archaeology and Ancient History at the University of Texas at Austin from 2011 to 2016. The plan was to get my PhD and get a job as an Assistant Professor at a research 1 or research 2 university (things did not go according to plan). Nor did I really want them to once I learned the truth about the world of academia and what life really would be like as an assistant professor at a research university in the U.S.

In May of 2016, I finished my last semester at UT Austin and started my full-time role as an academic advisor for the Rhetoric & Writing Department in COLA (College of Liberal Arts) at UT Austin. I just wanted to help students make informed decision so that they wouldn’t make the same mistakes I did, or worse, let others make those decisions for them. Honestly, this was meant to be a bridge job. A job that could help me cover bills and provide me with some stability as I was recovering from illness and looking for my next career position. I am not really sure how I ended up staying at UT Austin for another 6 years. I will say that the last ten years of my life have been incredibly chaotic. In 2014, my sister got really sick and had to move in with me. In the spring of 2016, at one of the lowest periods of my life, I was essentially forced to leave my graduate program due to the department’s lack of support and understanding of mental health illness. No one should be asked to make serious life decisions at the high of their depression unfortunately I was.

UT Austin had a way of pulling me right back in. It provided me with a small but predictable income and health insurance. There was a carrot on the end of the stick. Continuing working at UT was the safe thing to do and after several years it became the only visible path or so the system wanted you to think. Jump to August of 2022 and I was still working at UT but in a completely different role. I was now in the graduate career and professional development space. I was designing workshops, seminars, and classes for graduate students, primarily PhDs, helping them navigate the academic job market as well as all the other industries’ job markets. My role focused on advising and creating curriculum for international graduate students.

Randomly, as I was working on a project, I came across a job opening in the publishing industry. I was always curious about working in the world of publishing as a devoted bibliophile my whole life. So I just decided to apply. Not to mention that in 2022 UT Austin had completely reversed its stance on remote work and was forcing everyone to come back to the office. For me at this point in my life going back to the office was not an option. As I was running a bakery out of my home, creating content for my “platforms”, and writing again. Somehow through some miracle, I got that job and finally left UT where I have worked since 2011. My first job there was being a Teaching Assistant with a 9-month salary of $11,000. Don’t get me started on UT Austin salaries.

But somehow I did it. I was able to finally get away from UT Austin as was my partner about 6 months after me (that’s his story to tell but it involves juicy details of Title IX harassment, reporting suspicious use of public funds, negligent workplace safety, and subsequent retaliatory restructuring following accident and injury investigations). UT Austin has been in the news most recently for letting go around 60 employees in various DEI roles. All of the programming and content I created for international graduate students and graduate students of marginalized communities has been deleted from the Texas Career Engagement website leaving these already disadvantaged students with zero resources.

I now had a fully remote job that allowed me to work all my other jobs but I knew that this was not going to be a sustainable model. So I made a deal with myself to continue working full-time+ until I “made it” as a food writer (until I could bring in enough income to sustain myself from my writing). Looking back I am not sure that was the soundest of plans. In order to make money from writing, or let me qualify it a little further, enough money to live on, you need to be doing A LOT of writing! And if you are spending 40 hours a week working a full time job, another 20 hours or so baking, and the remaining hours were used towards writing. But how much writing could you realistically produce with such limited time? You need a lot of time to make money from creative pursuits such as food writing be it freelance, commissioned work, content creation for social media, partnerships (I never had a paid partnership with a brand), etc.

Two years into this “plan”, I can report that this model is starting to break. I think after doing a lot of work in therapy, I have been able to come to the conclusion (or finally be able to admit to myself) that working full time and part time to keep the lights on (Austin is incredibly expensive) and trying to make it as a full time writer is simply not working for me. I know that I am not alone in this. There has been a large exodus of people from expensive cities moving back to their home towns or moving to less expensive parts of the country. This is one possible option that my partner and I have been thinking about for sometime now. But we have no idea where that place might actually be. If we are to stay in the U.S. we want to be in a state and city with reproductive rights, labor rights and unions, seasons, and a cost of living congruent to local incomes, diverse food culture, access to an international airport, public transportation, and diversity! These things are non negotiable for us.

But why stay in this country? If finding a place in the US that meets our criteria is so hard maybe that’s a sign to consider other countries. This is where it all is still quite blurry. I think A LOT about moving back to Barcelona or somewhere in Catalonia, Spain. The benefits of moving would be lower cost of living, being close to my parents, going out to eat is more affordable, traveling is cheaper, and honestly just the vibes. The cons of moving would be going through the immigration process all over again (still healing that trauma), language barrier (I am not fluent in Castellano or Catalan), learning how to navigate all new systems/laws/administrations/financial institutions, being close to my parents (it’s complicated), finding a source(s) of income for me and my partner, and safely moving my kitties across the ocean.

I wrote out a pros and cons list but all that did for me was make me feel even more stuck. The pros and cons just remind me of all the reasons I want to or are afraid of moving back to Spain. Additionally, leaving this country would officially mean that things didn’t work out here. All the sacrifices, work, and money I put into coming here were in vain. Of course, I know that’s not the whole truth, lots of things did work out; meeting my partner, adopting my cats, having access to trauma informed therapy, finishing several degrees, and gaining work experience in several fields (even if those are fields I don’t want to permanently work in). This type of black and white thinking is never helpful but especially when we are trying to make important life decisions so I try and pull myself out of it as quickly as I can before those thoughts have a stronger hold over me.

I mean why is it so hard to make a decision of whether to move or not? I have a feeling it has a lot to do with me asking the wrong question. I also think it has even more to do with trauma. The thing that comes up the fastest when I think about leaving Austin is fear.

For one, I am incredibly afraid that if I move I will lose what I have been able to build here in Austin. Obviously the act of moving or leaving Austin is not the only thing that can result in me losing the most important things in my life so that line of reasoning doesn’t really hold up. Honestly it is mostly things that are completely out of my control that can take away things I care most deeply about; people who I love getting sick or dying, financial ruin, losing my baking community and the ability to write.

Two, I am generally afraid of making the wrong decision. Say I move to Barcelona and it doesn’t work out. I am terrified of investing time, energy, very hard earned money into moving for things to not work out again. What does that really mean, things not working out? I am not sure. Ultimately, would a scenario of things “not working out” in Spain really be any worse than what I have now? Maybe or maybe not. I guess I could be unhappier. I could have less time to write, create, or make things. But, if that was really the case, I would do everything in my power to get to a place where I can do those things that matter most to me; be it family, creating, sharing, or just existing with as little anxiety as possible.

Lastly, I am constantly reminded of just how hard moving really is. Moving and immigrating is ten times harder. Am I terrified of how hard moving to Spain would be? Yes. Incredibly! Moving and immigrating is also incredibly expensive. Will making this move while I am trying to shift careers prolong my process of becoming a full-time writer? My immediate gut answer is yes, but that’s not necessarily true. I guess the real answer is maybe. Maybe it will and maybe it won’t. I guess, we just don’t know, and that’s where you have to evaluate if you are able to tolerate this type of uncertainty. As someone who has gone through quite a bit of trauma my tolerance for uncertainty has been compromised but I think over the last year I have been able to slowly rebuild that muscle. And maybe, even though I am not quite ready to tolerate this level of uncertainty, I will be soon.

I know that moving to Spain won’t fix my problems. But maybe it is worth trying to see if I can be happier or have a more fulfilling existence instead of just being consumed with work ALL THE TIME as I am now in this country. I do think that the work culture and productivity driven society of the US is not good for me and my mental health. It triggers parts of me that are not true to who I really am. I wish I could finish this essay with a firm decision but I know I am not quite ready to make it. The good news is that I am closer than I have ever been. I guess this kind of answers my initial question of how do you know when it’s time to move? You have to get to a place where you feel ready, emotionally and mentally, to face the challenges that come with moving and immigrating.

RECIPE OF THE WEEK:

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Ukrainian Wafer Cake with Dulce de Leche Buttercream

Do you want a recipe for the world’s easiest cake? Here it is. What makes this cake super simple? Well, first of all, the layers of the cake are made for you. You just need to go to the store to buy them or order them online. You can find wafers at any Eastern European grocery store. Here is an example of ones you can buy online, I happen to have used these for my recipe. They sell these at the Borderless European Market (BEM) in Austin.

Secondly and most importantly, there is zero baking. With the summer on the horizon this is a great recipe to have in your back pocket for those excruciatingly hot summer days when the idea of turning on the oven is physically painful. I don’t even turn on the oven for roasting the walnuts, I just roast them in a skillet over low heat, stirring occasionally so they don’t brown too much on one side. I like to make this cake in the evening so I can enjoy a slice for breakfast since it has to rest in the fridge for 12 or so hours.

Lastly, you don’t need a stand-mixer to make this recipe! You can make the buttercream with a hand-mixer or with a whisk, it will just take a little more muscle. And another perk is that the buttercream only requires two ingredients! Yes, you heard that correctly. Just two; butter and dulce de leche. Since we are using only two ingredients for the buttercream make sure to get your hands on the creamiest good quality high fat butter for the tastiest results.

Speaking of butter, I am currently obsessed with Le Gall slow-churned unsalted butter that they recently started selling at Central Market. It is quite expensive at $5.99 for 250 grams but the flavor is divine; creamy (it’s creamier than Kerrygold), almost milky with a hint of natural sweetness from the lactose. If you love butter and haven’t tried this one, please, do! If you are operating on a tight budget as most of us are, definitely plan ahead and save up for this very special treat. Let me just put it this way, if you love Kerrygold, this butter will blow your mind. The taste testers of the 2001 Washington Post article written by Walter Nicholls listed Le Gall butter as one of their EXCEPTIONAL butter options.

There are a ton of variations of this ubiquitous Ukrainian cake. This is my maternal grandmother’s version. My grandmother worked in a steel factory her whole life so she didn’t have a lot of extra time to spend in the kitchen. For my grandmother and many other working Ukrainian women, wafer cakes were a great solution to being able to provide their families with homemade desserts. The cake is topped with walnuts, I’ll need to write a separate essay on Ukrainian walnuts but if you are one of those people who doesn’t like walnuts or you don’t have access to good walnuts you can try using other nuts such as pecans, hazelnuts, cashews, even pistachios. But, in my humble opinion, walnuts make the perfect dulce de leche pairing!

Ingredient List: 

• 100 grams wafers (a pack of 5 wafer sheets)

• 200 grams room temperature butter

• 380 grams dulce de leche (1 can)

• 100 grams roughly chopped roasted walnuts

Method: 

1. Place the room temperature butter (20 C or 68 F) in a large mixing bowl and mix/whisk until the butter is well aerated, about 3 minutes. The butter should take on a slightly lighter color and look airy.

2. Now start adding the dulce de leche one tablespoon at a time. Make sure the dulce de leche is fully incorporated before adding the next tablespoon, but be mindful of over-mixing, mix just until the two are incorporated. This should take around 5 minutes using an electric hand-mixer and a little longer by hand.

3. We are now ready to assemble the cake. Place the first wafer on a cake stand and add 120 grams of buttercream. Using an offset spatula or a spoon spread the buttercream evenly across the wafer making sure to go all the way to the edges.

4. Once the buttercream is evenly spread, place the next wafer on top and press firmly with both hands making sure there are no gaps between the two layers. You want to apply even pressure to get rid of any air pockets. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until you get to the last layer.

5. Once you are done spreading buttercream on the final layer, spread the roasted walnut pieces all over the cake making sure to cover as much of the top layer as you can really try to get it to the edges of the cake.

6. Last step is the hardest and that is the waiting! Put the cake in the fridge for 12 hours. Enjoy with a cup of black coffee for breakfast or dessert.

Note: If you want more buttercream in the middle layers, put 140 grams of butter cream on the first 4 layers and finish the top layers with just enough buttercream to cover the top. Play around with the ratios until you find what you like.

As always let me know if you have any questions about the recipe! Enjoy!

BAKING NEWS:

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Orders through end of April 30th are now live! You can order any cheesecake your heart desires on my online store powered by Hotplate.